I feel a separation coming on...

I've been diagnosed with heartbreak
and baby you've got the cure
but sometimes I sit and wonder how much I can endure
cause boo I'd give you all of me
but were we really meant to be?
Becuase suddenly this love has become like a chore,
when it used to mean so much more.
What happened to the days when I knew your heart was mine?
Now I'm fighting for just a minute of your time.
Tell me how we can go back to smiling, holding hands, and laughing
cause now it's all cursing, slamming doors, and crying
Can't you tell this love is dying?

I never try to show maturity...

My ability to forgive and forget is a double edged sword. To me, being angry and upset requires too much time and energy that I just don't have. When my anger gets the best of me, I take the flight route and use my amazing gift of the silent treatment. Over the years I've mastered the art of ignoring someone. I keep up the charade until I eventually forget that I'm mad, which is usually in about two days or a week. My attention span is very short so I don't have the ability to hold a long term grudge. However, I do believe in revenge and I will go out of my way to cut and pour salt into the wounds of those who have wronged me. I may forgive and forget but not after having the satisfaction of knowing I got my revenge.

I'm coming undone

Have you ever looked in the mirror and realized you don't like the person staring back at you? Not because of silly physical imperfections, but because you hate what you look like on the inside. I used to like me, but somewhere on this rollercoaster ride called my life, I turned into this cold hearted, manipulative person. I'm so ashamed of the way I've treated people. I wish I could go back in time and pinpoint that moment when almost everything about me changed; when I stopped caring, when I stopped believing, and when I stopped being happy.

This past year I've made so many mistakes and committed so many unspeakable sins that are resulting in my downfall. I wish I could start over and do everything right, but of course I can't, I can only go forward. Unfortunately, I don't know where 'forward' will lead. I'm terrified. The tracks for this train are running out and I'm not prepared for the crash.

I'll say they never hurt me and look at it as learning

Naquan was my first
and he made love hurt
the only time he gave me thrills
was when we popped some pills
But I loved his attitude and his style of dress
he had had me thinking he was better than the rest
I finally wised up, he was treating me like dirt
He was talking to every girl, yeah he was such a flirt
Now everytime I see him all I can say is "you're such a jerk"

Joseph, Joseph
the one I thought I'd give my whole self to
He had me making plans to spend my life being his wife,
but I couldn't put up with the strife and useless fights
Still I won't pretend like he wasn't my best friend
I still want him by my side til the end of time
"let him go" says my mind, I need to close that chapter
cause in the end what we had doesn't matter

Next came Dale
I can't remember him well
Like dorks we only talked about sports and played Wii,
that's how I quickly realized there could never be a we

Radams made me love thugs
Swore he was hard cause he was from Brooklyn
Wanted to be his girl so bad
I let him borrow my wheels,
cooked him meals,
and made deals just to get out the house so I could be with him
and get lost in his eyes
He wasn't like the other guys,
said he'd never tell me lies
but lust soon dies and I saw him for what he was worth,
not a piece of my heart
I shoulda known from the start

David made me not want to save 'it'
His kisses were sweet and had me feeling lightheaded,
for a second I thought I was a diabetic
I needed to see a medic for the way he made my heart race
He liked me wearing lace, that was his taste
And every minute we spent together was never a waste,
but somehow our relationship was over in a haste
cause we never had conversations
but fuck, I loved his body language

Elijah
Dang
I can't open this door,
he's still an open sore
I tried to give him all but he wanted so much more
He told me I was the one and made him do things he had never done,
Like go down,
and eat it while he made me moan
To this day I can't own up to what I did,
there was nothing stopping me from going out with all his best friends
Remembering the day I made him cry
Why did I let our love die?
Now I miss him occasionally
and wish he would call and say 'hey baby'
but I know that it's over
This is life,
there's no do overs

Next up for a chance at my heart was man candy Randy,
he was doomed from the start
Thought I was amazing and hung on to my every word like it was the sweetest shit he'd ever heard
But he was crazier than my ex
so I had to next him

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

I just want to break down these walls...

Last week I started tutoring at two middle schools. At the first school, the 8th graders are very polite and eager to learn...this class is almost mostly white and the black students are quiet yet still polite. The students are the second school are very different. They're loud, rude, and so grammatically incorrect that I want to tie them down and read a book to them (since they probably aren't capable of reading on their own). Of course this group of future baby mamas and drug dealers is mostly black children. After spending an hour with them, I convinced myself that it's not their fault that they're so misguided and they're merely a product of their environment and BET. I wanted to give the delinquents a chance to prove me wrong and show that they're more than a bunch of pants sagging, slang talking adolescents. I asked them what their future goals were and the responses didn't shock me at all. None of these children wanted to contribute to society at all. Oh no, they want to to basketball players, rappers, and video models. Only three kids, out of twenty-seven, said a doctor, lawyer, and veterinarian. This baffles me. Why African Americans think it's okay to settle for these hood dreams? It's a shame that even in the year of a black president we still limit ourselves to merely entertaining others.

Confession #2

I get bored with people easily. I like the stage in relationships where I'm still trying to figure them out. I don't like when people give me too much of themselves up front. A little mystery is exciting. Open books aren't fun, I like the closed ones that are locked and require a special key to open.

Boys, boys, boys

Choosing between two great guys is always a difficult decision, especially when you like them both for different reasons. Guy 1 is incredibly sweet and we talk for hours. He really loves me and I trust him completely. However, lately I've been getting bored talking to him and I feel as though we don't have that much in common. Maybe I talked myself into liking him because he's safe and I know that he'll never break my heart. But he's also boring. I start arguments just to create some excitement in our relationship. There's also the fact that he's another race and that would definetely create conflict with my semi-racist family. Guy 2 let me down so many times in the past I'd started to lose faith in him but now he swears he's in love with me. He gives me such a rush and makes me smile about the smallest things. I always have to fight for his attention and it just makes me want him more. I never know where I stand with him and because of that I've spent many nights crying. So who do I choose...the guy who's safe and convenient and I'll never have to worry about hurting me, or the guy who has a hard time being faithful and I have a terrible time trusting but I want him so badly that he consumes my thoughts?

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Confession

I'm afraid of failure. Because of my fear, I don't take risks. I have to learn to believe in myself and know that I can do anything I put my mind to.

April Wishlist

I want this Dooney and Bourke bag so badly although I know I don't need it. I'm a sucker for all things Dooney and I own so many wallets and purses I should be a D&B spokesperson. I recently got a supercute hotpink handbag but I'm so over it now. Pink can only go with so many things.

I will promise myself I won't care...

We're officially done...at least for now. He messaged me a couple minutes ago and gave me some crap story about how he loves his girlfriend and he really wants to make it work with her this time around. According to him, I make it difficult for him to stay faithful, therefore we can't continue to be friends. It's amazing how I don't care anymore. If he had said this to me a month ago, I would have been devastated. I have an amazing boyfriend who loves me for me and I no longer need that childish male to make me feel good about myself. Looking back, I don't understand what I liked/loved so much about him. Basically, I liked the attention he gave me because to be honest he only started liking me because of purely physical reasons. His exact words were, "You got fine. You've always been pretty, but now you're sexy." Translation: You were cute but not attractive enough to be worth my time. I should have seen through him right then but I'm a sucker for flattery and attention. I don't want to spend anymore time writing about him because as of now that situation is over and I'd like to keep it that way. I dedicated a lot of time and energy to what I thought was true love, but I don't regret it. I've learned a lot these past months and now I realize that he never really loved me...because love doesn't hurt that badly. Eh, at least I got a few good songs out of this disaster.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

March Wishlist

Due to the recent death of my Chi, I've been on the hunt for a new hair straightener. After spending an hour researching straighteners and checking out reviews, I've decided that the Sedu needs to be put on my wishlist. Speaking of hair, I've been debating about getting a new haircut. Summer is almost here and I'm thinking about a short bob or at least a shoulder length cut. My long hair is becoming such a hassle.

New Year, New Me

I'm so excited for 2009. Great things happened in 2008-I graduated from high school, started college, made amazing friends, and dropped the zeros-and I know 2009 is going to be so much better. I'm ready to forget about all the not so good things that happened last year. Last year I was all about having fun, but this year I'm going to focus on obtaining my goals and being the best person that I can be. School and my future career is going to be my main priority. I don't bother with resolutions because I never keep them and then I get disappointed in myself. I'd rather call them goals because that seems to be such a lighter word. These are my main GOALS for 2009.

-Write in my journal everyday
-Focus on school
-Stop obsessing over boys
-Continue exercising everyday
-Make new friends
-Stop buying unnecessary clothes