I never try to show maturity...

My ability to forgive and forget is a double edged sword. To me, being angry and upset requires too much time and energy that I just don't have. When my anger gets the best of me, I take the flight route and use my amazing gift of the silent treatment. Over the years I've mastered the art of ignoring someone. I keep up the charade until I eventually forget that I'm mad, which is usually in about two days or a week. My attention span is very short so I don't have the ability to hold a long term grudge. However, I do believe in revenge and I will go out of my way to cut and pour salt into the wounds of those who have wronged me. I may forgive and forget but not after having the satisfaction of knowing I got my revenge.

I'm coming undone

Have you ever looked in the mirror and realized you don't like the person staring back at you? Not because of silly physical imperfections, but because you hate what you look like on the inside. I used to like me, but somewhere on this rollercoaster ride called my life, I turned into this cold hearted, manipulative person. I'm so ashamed of the way I've treated people. I wish I could go back in time and pinpoint that moment when almost everything about me changed; when I stopped caring, when I stopped believing, and when I stopped being happy.

This past year I've made so many mistakes and committed so many unspeakable sins that are resulting in my downfall. I wish I could start over and do everything right, but of course I can't, I can only go forward. Unfortunately, I don't know where 'forward' will lead. I'm terrified. The tracks for this train are running out and I'm not prepared for the crash.

I'll say they never hurt me and look at it as learning

Naquan was my first
and he made love hurt
the only time he gave me thrills
was when we popped some pills
But I loved his attitude and his style of dress
he had had me thinking he was better than the rest
I finally wised up, he was treating me like dirt
He was talking to every girl, yeah he was such a flirt
Now everytime I see him all I can say is "you're such a jerk"

Joseph, Joseph
the one I thought I'd give my whole self to
He had me making plans to spend my life being his wife,
but I couldn't put up with the strife and useless fights
Still I won't pretend like he wasn't my best friend
I still want him by my side til the end of time
"let him go" says my mind, I need to close that chapter
cause in the end what we had doesn't matter

Next came Dale
I can't remember him well
Like dorks we only talked about sports and played Wii,
that's how I quickly realized there could never be a we

Radams made me love thugs
Swore he was hard cause he was from Brooklyn
Wanted to be his girl so bad
I let him borrow my wheels,
cooked him meals,
and made deals just to get out the house so I could be with him
and get lost in his eyes
He wasn't like the other guys,
said he'd never tell me lies
but lust soon dies and I saw him for what he was worth,
not a piece of my heart
I shoulda known from the start

David made me not want to save 'it'
His kisses were sweet and had me feeling lightheaded,
for a second I thought I was a diabetic
I needed to see a medic for the way he made my heart race
He liked me wearing lace, that was his taste
And every minute we spent together was never a waste,
but somehow our relationship was over in a haste
cause we never had conversations
but fuck, I loved his body language

Elijah
Dang
I can't open this door,
he's still an open sore
I tried to give him all but he wanted so much more
He told me I was the one and made him do things he had never done,
Like go down,
and eat it while he made me moan
To this day I can't own up to what I did,
there was nothing stopping me from going out with all his best friends
Remembering the day I made him cry
Why did I let our love die?
Now I miss him occasionally
and wish he would call and say 'hey baby'
but I know that it's over
This is life,
there's no do overs

Next up for a chance at my heart was man candy Randy,
he was doomed from the start
Thought I was amazing and hung on to my every word like it was the sweetest shit he'd ever heard
But he was crazier than my ex
so I had to next him

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

I just want to break down these walls...

Last week I started tutoring at two middle schools. At the first school, the 8th graders are very polite and eager to learn...this class is almost mostly white and the black students are quiet yet still polite. The students are the second school are very different. They're loud, rude, and so grammatically incorrect that I want to tie them down and read a book to them (since they probably aren't capable of reading on their own). Of course this group of future baby mamas and drug dealers is mostly black children. After spending an hour with them, I convinced myself that it's not their fault that they're so misguided and they're merely a product of their environment and BET. I wanted to give the delinquents a chance to prove me wrong and show that they're more than a bunch of pants sagging, slang talking adolescents. I asked them what their future goals were and the responses didn't shock me at all. None of these children wanted to contribute to society at all. Oh no, they want to to basketball players, rappers, and video models. Only three kids, out of twenty-seven, said a doctor, lawyer, and veterinarian. This baffles me. Why African Americans think it's okay to settle for these hood dreams? It's a shame that even in the year of a black president we still limit ourselves to merely entertaining others.