The Past

Who have I become? What happened to the girl who loved penguins and watched Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles every morning? Does she still watch Saturday morning cartoons in her Hello Kitty pajamas with a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch in her lap? Are her favorite movies still Friday, The Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink, and Ferris Bueller's Day Off? Does she still watch CSI Miami, Dexter, Weeds, and The Boondocks as if they're a part of her religion? Does she still sing along to the Hairspray soundtrack every morning? Is she still in love with Prince? Is her closet still filled with a ridiculous amount of jeans, every sneaker imaginable, and scarves of all colors? Is her best friend still Martha? Does she still obsess over guys who make her cry and ignore the ones who wouldn't lie? Can he still make her smile? Does her heart still race a mile a minute when he's near? Does she still wear the ring that symbolized a promise of forever? Is her heart still his? Is she still whole?

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Displaced Deception

Dear boy,
You were always my enemy, you all but sucked the life out of me.
Your words were like deadly weapons that were destroying me, slowly killing me with each second.
I went to rehab and kicked the addiction of you.
You should be so sorry for the way you treated me, but it's okay.
You're my favorite liar, most visible scar.
I could've died as you buried me in your lies.
But I have secrets too.
The biggest one?


....I never loved you

We were meant to be together, so what happened to forever

Four years. That's how much of my life I spent desperately in love with him. That's how long I believed that he, my first love, would be the one I spent the rest of my life with. Four years he was my only obsession. In my eyes he was perfection in a 6'1 body and to him I was a crazy girl who he couldn't quite figure out. He told me that although he thought I was pretty, pretty was just one of the things I did that amazed him. Everything about Joseph was amazing. From the way he laughed whenever I said or did something stupid, to the way he could make smile even when I was having a bad day. I even loved when he yelled at me over the simplest of things. Our love was passionate, intense, and intoxicating. Everything it was, and wasn't, supposed to be. It's been over a year since we broke up and I've been trying to pretend it doesn't hurt anymore, but the truth is that I'm a wreck inside. Am I in love with him? No, those feelings disappeared a long time. But he was everything I waited for and if I ever fall in love again, it will never be the way I loved him.

I feel a separation coming on...

I've been diagnosed with heartbreak
and baby you've got the cure
but sometimes I sit and wonder how much I can endure
cause boo I'd give you all of me
but were we really meant to be?
Becuase suddenly this love has become like a chore,
when it used to mean so much more.
What happened to the days when I knew your heart was mine?
Now I'm fighting for just a minute of your time.
Tell me how we can go back to smiling, holding hands, and laughing
cause now it's all cursing, slamming doors, and crying
Can't you tell this love is dying?

I never try to show maturity...

My ability to forgive and forget is a double edged sword. To me, being angry and upset requires too much time and energy that I just don't have. When my anger gets the best of me, I take the flight route and use my amazing gift of the silent treatment. Over the years I've mastered the art of ignoring someone. I keep up the charade until I eventually forget that I'm mad, which is usually in about two days or a week. My attention span is very short so I don't have the ability to hold a long term grudge. However, I do believe in revenge and I will go out of my way to cut and pour salt into the wounds of those who have wronged me. I may forgive and forget but not after having the satisfaction of knowing I got my revenge.

I'm coming undone

Have you ever looked in the mirror and realized you don't like the person staring back at you? Not because of silly physical imperfections, but because you hate what you look like on the inside. I used to like me, but somewhere on this rollercoaster ride called my life, I turned into this cold hearted, manipulative person. I'm so ashamed of the way I've treated people. I wish I could go back in time and pinpoint that moment when almost everything about me changed; when I stopped caring, when I stopped believing, and when I stopped being happy.

This past year I've made so many mistakes and committed so many unspeakable sins that are resulting in my downfall. I wish I could start over and do everything right, but of course I can't, I can only go forward. Unfortunately, I don't know where 'forward' will lead. I'm terrified. The tracks for this train are running out and I'm not prepared for the crash.

I'll say they never hurt me and look at it as learning

Naquan was my first
and he made love hurt
the only time he gave me thrills
was when we popped some pills
But I loved his attitude and his style of dress
he had had me thinking he was better than the rest
I finally wised up, he was treating me like dirt
He was talking to every girl, yeah he was such a flirt
Now everytime I see him all I can say is "you're such a jerk"

Joseph, Joseph
the one I thought I'd give my whole self to
He had me making plans to spend my life being his wife,
but I couldn't put up with the strife and useless fights
Still I won't pretend like he wasn't my best friend
I still want him by my side til the end of time
"let him go" says my mind, I need to close that chapter
cause in the end what we had doesn't matter

Next came Dale
I can't remember him well
Like dorks we only talked about sports and played Wii,
that's how I quickly realized there could never be a we

Radams made me love thugs
Swore he was hard cause he was from Brooklyn
Wanted to be his girl so bad
I let him borrow my wheels,
cooked him meals,
and made deals just to get out the house so I could be with him
and get lost in his eyes
He wasn't like the other guys,
said he'd never tell me lies
but lust soon dies and I saw him for what he was worth,
not a piece of my heart
I shoulda known from the start

David made me not want to save 'it'
His kisses were sweet and had me feeling lightheaded,
for a second I thought I was a diabetic
I needed to see a medic for the way he made my heart race
He liked me wearing lace, that was his taste
And every minute we spent together was never a waste,
but somehow our relationship was over in a haste
cause we never had conversations
but fuck, I loved his body language

Elijah
Dang
I can't open this door,
he's still an open sore
I tried to give him all but he wanted so much more
He told me I was the one and made him do things he had never done,
Like go down,
and eat it while he made me moan
To this day I can't own up to what I did,
there was nothing stopping me from going out with all his best friends
Remembering the day I made him cry
Why did I let our love die?
Now I miss him occasionally
and wish he would call and say 'hey baby'
but I know that it's over
This is life,
there's no do overs

Next up for a chance at my heart was man candy Randy,
he was doomed from the start
Thought I was amazing and hung on to my every word like it was the sweetest shit he'd ever heard
But he was crazier than my ex
so I had to next him

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

I just want to break down these walls...

Last week I started tutoring at two middle schools. At the first school, the 8th graders are very polite and eager to learn...this class is almost mostly white and the black students are quiet yet still polite. The students are the second school are very different. They're loud, rude, and so grammatically incorrect that I want to tie them down and read a book to them (since they probably aren't capable of reading on their own). Of course this group of future baby mamas and drug dealers is mostly black children. After spending an hour with them, I convinced myself that it's not their fault that they're so misguided and they're merely a product of their environment and BET. I wanted to give the delinquents a chance to prove me wrong and show that they're more than a bunch of pants sagging, slang talking adolescents. I asked them what their future goals were and the responses didn't shock me at all. None of these children wanted to contribute to society at all. Oh no, they want to to basketball players, rappers, and video models. Only three kids, out of twenty-seven, said a doctor, lawyer, and veterinarian. This baffles me. Why African Americans think it's okay to settle for these hood dreams? It's a shame that even in the year of a black president we still limit ourselves to merely entertaining others.

Confession #2

I get bored with people easily. I like the stage in relationships where I'm still trying to figure them out. I don't like when people give me too much of themselves up front. A little mystery is exciting. Open books aren't fun, I like the closed ones that are locked and require a special key to open.

Boys, boys, boys

Choosing between two great guys is always a difficult decision, especially when you like them both for different reasons. Guy 1 is incredibly sweet and we talk for hours. He really loves me and I trust him completely. However, lately I've been getting bored talking to him and I feel as though we don't have that much in common. Maybe I talked myself into liking him because he's safe and I know that he'll never break my heart. But he's also boring. I start arguments just to create some excitement in our relationship. There's also the fact that he's another race and that would definetely create conflict with my semi-racist family. Guy 2 let me down so many times in the past I'd started to lose faith in him but now he swears he's in love with me. He gives me such a rush and makes me smile about the smallest things. I always have to fight for his attention and it just makes me want him more. I never know where I stand with him and because of that I've spent many nights crying. So who do I choose...the guy who's safe and convenient and I'll never have to worry about hurting me, or the guy who has a hard time being faithful and I have a terrible time trusting but I want him so badly that he consumes my thoughts?

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Confession

I'm afraid of failure. Because of my fear, I don't take risks. I have to learn to believe in myself and know that I can do anything I put my mind to.

April Wishlist

I want this Dooney and Bourke bag so badly although I know I don't need it. I'm a sucker for all things Dooney and I own so many wallets and purses I should be a D&B spokesperson. I recently got a supercute hotpink handbag but I'm so over it now. Pink can only go with so many things.

I will promise myself I won't care...

We're officially done...at least for now. He messaged me a couple minutes ago and gave me some crap story about how he loves his girlfriend and he really wants to make it work with her this time around. According to him, I make it difficult for him to stay faithful, therefore we can't continue to be friends. It's amazing how I don't care anymore. If he had said this to me a month ago, I would have been devastated. I have an amazing boyfriend who loves me for me and I no longer need that childish male to make me feel good about myself. Looking back, I don't understand what I liked/loved so much about him. Basically, I liked the attention he gave me because to be honest he only started liking me because of purely physical reasons. His exact words were, "You got fine. You've always been pretty, but now you're sexy." Translation: You were cute but not attractive enough to be worth my time. I should have seen through him right then but I'm a sucker for flattery and attention. I don't want to spend anymore time writing about him because as of now that situation is over and I'd like to keep it that way. I dedicated a lot of time and energy to what I thought was true love, but I don't regret it. I've learned a lot these past months and now I realize that he never really loved me...because love doesn't hurt that badly. Eh, at least I got a few good songs out of this disaster.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

March Wishlist

Due to the recent death of my Chi, I've been on the hunt for a new hair straightener. After spending an hour researching straighteners and checking out reviews, I've decided that the Sedu needs to be put on my wishlist. Speaking of hair, I've been debating about getting a new haircut. Summer is almost here and I'm thinking about a short bob or at least a shoulder length cut. My long hair is becoming such a hassle.

New Year, New Me

I'm so excited for 2009. Great things happened in 2008-I graduated from high school, started college, made amazing friends, and dropped the zeros-and I know 2009 is going to be so much better. I'm ready to forget about all the not so good things that happened last year. Last year I was all about having fun, but this year I'm going to focus on obtaining my goals and being the best person that I can be. School and my future career is going to be my main priority. I don't bother with resolutions because I never keep them and then I get disappointed in myself. I'd rather call them goals because that seems to be such a lighter word. These are my main GOALS for 2009.

-Write in my journal everyday
-Focus on school
-Stop obsessing over boys
-Continue exercising everyday
-Make new friends
-Stop buying unnecessary clothes

A change is coming...

After months of wearing "Vote" and "Barack the Vote" shirts and hoodies, it's all over. Words cannot express how I feel right now. Just the fact that I had the opportunity to be a part of this incredible change in America is just...gosh. This election brought so many people of different races and backgrounds together. Today during a rally, when Obama was announced as the next president, the girl next to me grabbed me and hugged me. It was just one of those moments where everyone came together and I'm going to remember it for the rest of my life.

Confessions of a hair junkie...

I'm very experimental when it comes to my hair. I'm also a product junkie which has a negative effect on my bank account. When I was younger, people would always comment on my long beautiful hair. Over the years I've become obsessed with having great hair. I've dyed my hair so many times I'm surprised it hasn't given up on me and decided to fall out. I don't even want to think about the various haircuts I've had. I'm actually going through a bad hair cycle right now. About three weeks ago I got this really cute bob and red tints. It looked great but now it's growing out and the front is growing faster than the back. Now I'm stuck with a jacked up Sasuke hair style. Not a good look. I unfortunately also have to straighten my hair everyday because it doesn't look cute curly at it's current length. So now I'm determined to grow my hair back out so I can go back to rocking my big, curly hair.

It's love baby, let's make it hurt

If falling in love is so great, why does it hurt so much? Why is it that the person I'm in love with is the one boy I shouldn't be with? I've unforunately given him enough of me to break my heart, which he does every chance he gets. I don't understand him at all. He says he loves me, but I feel like he only loves/likes me when it's convenient. I'm supposed to be his number one, so why does he keep putting this other girl before me? I'm the girl who receives the constant texts and declarations of love, but in the end she's the one he always runs back to. I've told myself so many times that I'm going to get over him and move on, but it's easier said than done. Everytime I think we're through he says/does something to make me want him all over again. Who am I fooling...I'll never say no to him.