The Past

Who have I become? What happened to the girl who loved penguins and watched Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles every morning? Does she still watch Saturday morning cartoons in her Hello Kitty pajamas with a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch in her lap? Are her favorite movies still Friday, The Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink, and Ferris Bueller's Day Off? Does she still watch CSI Miami, Dexter, Weeds, and The Boondocks as if they're a part of her religion? Does she still sing along to the Hairspray soundtrack every morning? Is she still in love with Prince? Is her closet still filled with a ridiculous amount of jeans, every sneaker imaginable, and scarves of all colors? Is her best friend still Martha? Does she still obsess over guys who make her cry and ignore the ones who wouldn't lie? Can he still make her smile? Does her heart still race a mile a minute when he's near? Does she still wear the ring that symbolized a promise of forever? Is her heart still his? Is she still whole?

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Displaced Deception

Dear boy,
You were always my enemy, you all but sucked the life out of me.
Your words were like deadly weapons that were destroying me, slowly killing me with each second.
I went to rehab and kicked the addiction of you.
You should be so sorry for the way you treated me, but it's okay.
You're my favorite liar, most visible scar.
I could've died as you buried me in your lies.
But I have secrets too.
The biggest one?


....I never loved you

We were meant to be together, so what happened to forever

Four years. That's how much of my life I spent desperately in love with him. That's how long I believed that he, my first love, would be the one I spent the rest of my life with. Four years he was my only obsession. In my eyes he was perfection in a 6'1 body and to him I was a crazy girl who he couldn't quite figure out. He told me that although he thought I was pretty, pretty was just one of the things I did that amazed him. Everything about Joseph was amazing. From the way he laughed whenever I said or did something stupid, to the way he could make smile even when I was having a bad day. I even loved when he yelled at me over the simplest of things. Our love was passionate, intense, and intoxicating. Everything it was, and wasn't, supposed to be. It's been over a year since we broke up and I've been trying to pretend it doesn't hurt anymore, but the truth is that I'm a wreck inside. Am I in love with him? No, those feelings disappeared a long time. But he was everything I waited for and if I ever fall in love again, it will never be the way I loved him.

I feel a separation coming on...

I've been diagnosed with heartbreak
and baby you've got the cure
but sometimes I sit and wonder how much I can endure
cause boo I'd give you all of me
but were we really meant to be?
Becuase suddenly this love has become like a chore,
when it used to mean so much more.
What happened to the days when I knew your heart was mine?
Now I'm fighting for just a minute of your time.
Tell me how we can go back to smiling, holding hands, and laughing
cause now it's all cursing, slamming doors, and crying
Can't you tell this love is dying?

I never try to show maturity...

My ability to forgive and forget is a double edged sword. To me, being angry and upset requires too much time and energy that I just don't have. When my anger gets the best of me, I take the flight route and use my amazing gift of the silent treatment. Over the years I've mastered the art of ignoring someone. I keep up the charade until I eventually forget that I'm mad, which is usually in about two days or a week. My attention span is very short so I don't have the ability to hold a long term grudge. However, I do believe in revenge and I will go out of my way to cut and pour salt into the wounds of those who have wronged me. I may forgive and forget but not after having the satisfaction of knowing I got my revenge.

I'm coming undone

Have you ever looked in the mirror and realized you don't like the person staring back at you? Not because of silly physical imperfections, but because you hate what you look like on the inside. I used to like me, but somewhere on this rollercoaster ride called my life, I turned into this cold hearted, manipulative person. I'm so ashamed of the way I've treated people. I wish I could go back in time and pinpoint that moment when almost everything about me changed; when I stopped caring, when I stopped believing, and when I stopped being happy.

This past year I've made so many mistakes and committed so many unspeakable sins that are resulting in my downfall. I wish I could start over and do everything right, but of course I can't, I can only go forward. Unfortunately, I don't know where 'forward' will lead. I'm terrified. The tracks for this train are running out and I'm not prepared for the crash.

I'll say they never hurt me and look at it as learning

Naquan was my first
and he made love hurt
the only time he gave me thrills
was when we popped some pills
But I loved his attitude and his style of dress
he had had me thinking he was better than the rest
I finally wised up, he was treating me like dirt
He was talking to every girl, yeah he was such a flirt
Now everytime I see him all I can say is "you're such a jerk"

Joseph, Joseph
the one I thought I'd give my whole self to
He had me making plans to spend my life being his wife,
but I couldn't put up with the strife and useless fights
Still I won't pretend like he wasn't my best friend
I still want him by my side til the end of time
"let him go" says my mind, I need to close that chapter
cause in the end what we had doesn't matter

Next came Dale
I can't remember him well
Like dorks we only talked about sports and played Wii,
that's how I quickly realized there could never be a we

Radams made me love thugs
Swore he was hard cause he was from Brooklyn
Wanted to be his girl so bad
I let him borrow my wheels,
cooked him meals,
and made deals just to get out the house so I could be with him
and get lost in his eyes
He wasn't like the other guys,
said he'd never tell me lies
but lust soon dies and I saw him for what he was worth,
not a piece of my heart
I shoulda known from the start

David made me not want to save 'it'
His kisses were sweet and had me feeling lightheaded,
for a second I thought I was a diabetic
I needed to see a medic for the way he made my heart race
He liked me wearing lace, that was his taste
And every minute we spent together was never a waste,
but somehow our relationship was over in a haste
cause we never had conversations
but fuck, I loved his body language

Elijah
Dang
I can't open this door,
he's still an open sore
I tried to give him all but he wanted so much more
He told me I was the one and made him do things he had never done,
Like go down,
and eat it while he made me moan
To this day I can't own up to what I did,
there was nothing stopping me from going out with all his best friends
Remembering the day I made him cry
Why did I let our love die?
Now I miss him occasionally
and wish he would call and say 'hey baby'
but I know that it's over
This is life,
there's no do overs

Next up for a chance at my heart was man candy Randy,
he was doomed from the start
Thought I was amazing and hung on to my every word like it was the sweetest shit he'd ever heard
But he was crazier than my ex
so I had to next him

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]